A maudlin moment in eternity’s great highway…

With the rapid development of things as they are now, every responsibility has been diverted away from me now, if I had not known better, I would have thought it was a conspiracy. However, even if it were so, I understand the place in which I stand- I am but a bump on the road, a liability to the church, deep inside even the padre would have to acknowledge this, he has done what he has done more from pressure then it is “operating protocol”.

I fear that it is my choice to walk this path, resulting in perhaps a conflict with the Maker Himself. He once asked me to feed His sheep if I loved Him, yet He never did tell me to enter a place or institute to do so. Nothing is ever certain anymore, the lines are blurring and faith is stretching.

It is said and proven that the master we serve is a good master, one who loves His people and watches over them. Yet part of me wonders if I am still His “people” or perhaps some where down this winding valley, I strayed and ended up so far away. I will not deny it, I am… disillusioned.

The many times I spent in prayer, wondering if I were on the right path seems to fall on deaf ears, or if it had fallen on ears that heard, it would have meant that He has given a silent nod of notation. Is the path of ministry one of such intense… pressure? I wonder… I know that one who puts his hand to the plough only to look back is not fit for service, yet am I even putting my hands on the right plough? Am I working in the right field?

God, if I had strayed, I would rather you tear me from this place rather than allow me to drown slowly in all this. Yet not my will but Yours be done, for I know that you are good.

Just like that man who called your son “good”, I call Him the same, not because You provide for me, but because everything that You have done has always been good for us, even when we end up hurting inside; it has always been for the good of those who love You and have been called according to Your works.

The response of a Cat

As it would seem today has been a day of much musing, though lethargic and tired for reasons unknown, i took the time to read through some blogs. Exam fever seems to be the norm this time, as everyone frantically does their best to cram in more ‘knowledge’, memorizing more ‘equative sums’ or ‘chemical solutions’. Oh the nostalgia of a student’s life, burning millions of brain cells in hopes of achieving a niche in this equally frantic world.

One such blog however revolved around an encounter with a common friend, a cat that took much pleasure in resting on the metal benches near the school bustop. In a muse i suppose it would have responded to that person in such a way:

 

On a metal bench I lay, oh so bored and full of nay,

the sun was high and the weather was torrid,

yet I was told to be here today.

The bench was cool and so was my mind, but what intrigued me most was my company dear.

It came in form so large, a human dressed in fur so queer.

With its paw so large and so very snug, it stroked my head;

tenderly, kindly, I responded as best as I could, in a gentle purr…

 

Then it came in a balmy voice,

“Oh cat, how lucky you are!

You do nothing but eat and sleep and humans adore you.

Out of the hand of others you eat- in your world you are king.

If only my life were as carefree as yours.”

 

With a sigh and a silent repose, you gazed far into the sky.

I reached for you and tried my best, to let you know that I’m not king,

my food is trash and mercy given, my life full of threats and snares.

Yet day-to-day as I wake- that same hand strokes my back,

telling me of how he made me and how I was good…

 

Sunday came, a torrid day’s bloomed and there I was again.

The bench was cool and so was my mind, but what intrigued me most was my company dear.

The same man with a different fur sat beside me.

With tender hands he stroke my back and pensively began his said,

“Oh cat, you know not how little you are!
All you do is eat and sleep, forever looking for shelter and acceptance.
Over time you become a nuisance in the neighbourhood,
and out of rubbish scraps and swill you eat.
You have no purpose in your life,
and your life and death is like the coming and passing of wind.

Oh cat; will I live to be as lonely as you?”

With a yawn and a stretch I moved and leapt to face him so.

I wished he just but knew and saw, that my life was purposeful though sore.

To be used to teach and prod and remind that there is something altogether bigger out there.

 

Then it dawned on me as I grinned, how could you be as lonely as me?

When He who made all you can see, the earth and tress, clouds and bees,

was beside you sitting down stroking your hair ever so tenderly…

Stained Glass Masquerade

Came across a song today that was rather intriguing and when i went over its lyrics, i realised just how much it described how i feel each time i work in church…

Stained Glass Masquerade

by: Casting Crowns

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin’ so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they’ll soon discover
That I don’t belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything’s okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I’ll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation’s open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who’s been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who’s traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation’s open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation’s open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

But if the invitation’s open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin’ so small

Finding reality and experiencing it is something that we all have to go through, making giants of everyone and dwarfing ourselves is something we tend to do when we attempt to learn this lesson of humility; but a lesson to learn is balance and understanding. Spiritual lessons are never possible to learn alone, a spiritual mentor is always needed and that mentor is none other then The Holy Spirit.

A Beautiful Day… A guilt filled existence…Freedom

It was the standard fare today, waking up, preparing, getting to work, preparing for it and so on, but for some reason or not, today was also a rare day that i got to slow down everything; gazing at the curtainless panes of windows infront of the church office, the full view of the sky presented itself… It was breathe taking, with the sunlight slowly streaming in and the clouds rolling along, if only i could be at the tallest peak looking at its majesty… Such is the God we serve, who created all of ‘this’.

At my last entry, i left the keyboard with a guilt ridden heart, struggling with the thoughts of quitting the ministry due to my incompetence, being told that one had fundamental flaws often meant that it was better if i had quit and vanished; and it was in that mind that i had surrendered to, i had it all planned out, who to take over, the legacy to leave behind, everything, it was too easy to orchestrate, but was it right for me to do this?

Speaking to a counselor, she reminded me of just that, “when is a leader ever perfect?” “Which leader never grew out of fundamental problems such as this?”" If we never faced such issues earlier in life, it might attribute to something a lot worst in the future.”

Questions i never sought to properly address, all i did was allow a persons judgment become condemnation, a final verdict with no way out; yet again, i had looked at a pool of darkness presuming that there was no way out but to leave. As though an irony, the sermon study today ran across the topic of guilt:

Irreverence which makes guilt irrelevant, Pride which muddies the feelings of guilt and fear, which makes it unbearable. In someway the Teacher was dragging me through the entire entourage, to face irreverence, to shatter pride and to handle fear. The teacher of the sermon came to a conclusion ultimately,” guilt surrendered to God is the only solution in which we can continue.”

And that struck a chord in me, i may be seemingly condemned by the people around me, reputation may be jeopardized, but ultimately i am forgiven.

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us of our trespasses.”

I had to learn to surrender and remember that i am no longer a slave to sin or whatever others paint me to be! By the cross, i can change!

Ghost in a shell…

Feeling akin to a ghost today, recovering from a serious bout of cold/fever/diarrhea, but even before this shell broke down, my spirit was the first to go. Thinking about that fateful day i had a conversation with a senior, i could not help but reflect on the amount of skeletons that i left behind in the wake of the year alone; it was enough to fill a kings wardrobe.

In the light of all this, the question that enters my mind is this, am i fit to continue as a minister unto the God i serve? Cause in this light, i have missed the mark, big time… integrity issues were brought up and the only summary of the matter was that i ended up weighed, measured and found wanting, a fate that is determined as death for me.

Passing the phase of self pity, the brokeness did not come from the failing of others, surprisingly, it came from failing my Lord… Though He did not condemn me but sent others to chastine, what am i to do next? To retire from everything? Or do i have the room to start from scratch again?

Ironically its the same situation as a friend of mine.

Reputation lost and integrity constantly in question, he lost all hopes of doing anything in the church, unable to bear with it, he left. At this time and place, such is the fork in the road i am facing now… Where do i go from here?

Heh… to quote a certain someone, the “ghosts of the past have finally caught up… time is up and the reaper reaps… its time to pay the bills…”

Grace is enough

Looking back its been yet another year of my life, passing my 25th birthday, i could officially say, i am a third done with my life. In this particular year however, so many times, i am brought back to the place called brokeness; each time i work with others or matters of the heart, somehow there will always be a time where i would return to that same room. Yet in that same room, i find that strength to rise up, to walk, then jog, then run once again with the on high. As such this year has just been like that, falling breaking a leg then rising up to continue this journey. As much as it hurts at the beginning, at the end there is but much joy, for i change with each of these trials, to be better and more akin to the master i serve- The God of all creation.

Decided to add the lyrics of a song for this entry, its one that spoke deeply into my heart and i hope to any reading this, it would do the same and more, for you:

Grace is enough by Don moen

Album: i Believe there is more

I can boast to many works
Done out of insecurity
And credit many conversations
To my immaturity
And while I’m misunderstood
You are understanding me
And showing me
How grace is enough

For everything that I’ve done right
Seems a thousand I’ve done wrong
And I keep on losing count
Of all the times my flesh has won
And when the light of Christ that’s in me
Is overshadowed by the fall
You’re showing me
How grace is enough

When I feel unworthy
And so undeserving

Chorus:
Still I can come, just as I am
For I find Your love
Is free of condition
So I will run to Your wide open arms
Where I am accepted
And I am forgiven
Grace is enough for me
Your grace is enough for me

I’ve been quick at passing judgment
When I’m worthy of conviction
And the times I’ve measured virtue
Only based on my religion
But theology it seems
It’s not the things that’s saving me
Your are showing me
A grace that’s enough

When I feel unworthy
And so undeserving

(Chorus)

Bridge:
Though I was blind, now I see
Sweet is the sound
Of Your grace over me
You said it all on the Cross
Your grace goes beyond
All that I’ve done

When I feel unworthy
And so undeserving
You love me beyond
All my failing and hurting
It’s not who I am
But who I can be
And I know You are working
Your purpose in me

(Chorus)

Your grace is enough
More then enough
Your grace is enough for me

Fun fruitful fatigue?

Its National day today and i’m totally drawn out. The weekend has never been so tiring in sometime now, back to back worth’s of outing, fatigue is creeping up to me finally; i can’t help but feel my age, i lasted a lot longer in the past. Yet the sense of accomplishment has been euphoric, spending time with people rather than a computer screen and games. A small group of us went to the pier side today, having our version of fun; had intended to watch the fire works, but due to the lateness of one of our members, we ended up only smelling the gunpowder by the time we got there. However, we still got a chance to see the nightscape and its various sights, sounds, and elements.

We made a new sister today as well, Amanda was a welcome company with a company of men, being the little sister we never had. It was a scene to remember, the screaming, whining and teasing which involved almost everyone.

Somehow thought tired and spent, i am not regretting it at all, while we live in this time, building relationships and encouraging one another, that is something best left in the youth of our day’s where we still are able to run miles.

A thought amidst the storm…

Its been some time now since the last entry, work and studies have been interestingly time consuming and i had only brief moments to compose myself for the lessons. Last week was especially difficult since it was the climax of it all, but today, towards the last of this week, i got a chance to meet Andrew again. For as far as i can remember i had never named myself amongst those who knew him, i merely spoke to him on several occasions here and there in the past before his accident.

Yet when i met him for the first time since he was conscious he remembered me; it was… comforting to me that someone actually remembered, it shows that somehow i made a minor impact in this souls life before. Smiling at both me and Auntie Petrina, he promptly realigned himself and began quietly talking to us.

I could not help but wonder at times how a person could live this way, it was mind blowing. For a person who had everything deemed “normal”, a proper body, a bright career, a stable relationship, everything; all lost in a single night. To quote from a teacher, “it would have taken a titan’s worth of courage and faith to make one step.” Looking at myself, i see my shortcomings. In his(Andrew) current existence, though pitiful in our eyes, is in fact a major league of its own. No riches, no prestige, no status could even come close as a comparison to this.

The gulf between the spiritual and the material is just like that…

Twilight…Death…Passing…Mourning…

I have never thought myself to be a sentimental person, but untimely ends in life is what seems to plague my time. First it was a lover, then a relative, then a friend and now family… Each before the long haul where support, courage and strength is most needed. Ironical it seems that life is smooth sailing and stable when it isn’t really crucial but turbulent when its in its eleventh hour of a crisis.

Either that life is this unfair, or it just feels this way when anyone is down, i’m supposing the latter is the better analysis of my current psyche. Death doesn’t ring many chords for myself really, when someone has to go, he has to go, is what i always think, but what do i do with the leftover baggage called emotions? Memories? Sadness?

A friend would have told me to learn to cope with it, another would have told me to suck it up and yet another would just pat my head and say nothing. All the comfort in the world to make the passing easier to bear it seems. Its so perplexing i say…

But for now, just for now, i’ll hold myself steady, trusting in a power greater then mine, just for a bit more, i suppose this will pass.

Friends…haha…

The elders once said that humans are akin to the winds of the earth, joy and peace, strength and fortitude; But with equal zeal, death and decay, betrayal and hurt reaches us… all in the span of a moment. The distinct phrase, “when it rain, it pours” can never be a more apt phrase of what i feel.

Abandoned, left alone, forgotten… Things which i detest the most. Somehow my counsel could not have been more sound and the understanding of Matthias’ teachings clearer. “In the end all man, friend and foe, kith or kin will be liable to betray you… Leave no room in your heart thence for that chance.”

I never fully understood his words, but after this evening…no more, i will not give myself a chance to be betrayed like this ever again, the halycon days are over, it’s time for battle once more…

And the time to look for a new place to rest has begun…