With the rapid development of things as they are now, every responsibility has been diverted away from me now, if I had not known better, I would have thought it was a conspiracy. However, even if it were so, I understand the place in which I stand- I am but a bump on the road, a liability to the church, deep inside even the padre would have to acknowledge this, he has done what he has done more from pressure then it is “operating protocol”.
I fear that it is my choice to walk this path, resulting in perhaps a conflict with the Maker Himself. He once asked me to feed His sheep if I loved Him, yet He never did tell me to enter a place or institute to do so. Nothing is ever certain anymore, the lines are blurring and faith is stretching.
It is said and proven that the master we serve is a good master, one who loves His people and watches over them. Yet part of me wonders if I am still His “people” or perhaps some where down this winding valley, I strayed and ended up so far away. I will not deny it, I am… disillusioned.
The many times I spent in prayer, wondering if I were on the right path seems to fall on deaf ears, or if it had fallen on ears that heard, it would have meant that He has given a silent nod of notation. Is the path of ministry one of such intense… pressure? I wonder… I know that one who puts his hand to the plough only to look back is not fit for service, yet am I even putting my hands on the right plough? Am I working in the right field?
God, if I had strayed, I would rather you tear me from this place rather than allow me to drown slowly in all this. Yet not my will but Yours be done, for I know that you are good.
Just like that man who called your son “good”, I call Him the same, not because You provide for me, but because everything that You have done has always been good for us, even when we end up hurting inside; it has always been for the good of those who love You and have been called according to Your works.